Behind Closed Doors
by StupidityIsStupid
Summary: Do you ever wonder what happens at Kyle's house? Only rated T for 'themes'.


Kenny stood patiently outside the olive, two-storied house. In one hand he held a small, out-of-date video camera. He reached out and gently pressed in the doorbell, hearing the music echo inside. For extra measure, he curled his hand in a fist and rapped on the door a few times. It opened slightly.

Kenny took this as an invitation to come in. He closed the door behind him, making sure the lock clicked into place before heading towards the stairs. A figure sidestepped from the kitchen to the living room.

"Kenneh?"

"Cartman? What the Hell are you doing here? And what do you have in your hands?" Kenny asked, looking seriously at the pair of chubby hands in front of him, balled tightly together.

The boy smiled. Kenny knew that smile. That was Eric Cartman's "I-gotta-awesome-idea-and-I'm gonna-seriouslah-kick-you-scare-in-the-noots-if-you-tell-anyone-or-steal-it-you-poor-piece-of-crap."

"Cartman, what's your get rich quick scheme this time?" Kenny asked, rolling his eyes.

He opened his hands and Kenny watched as jewels and coins of every shape and color landed in a pile on the carpet. It took all the strength in Kenny's being not to dive down and steal some for himself. And maybe some for the rest of his family, too.

"Do you wanna know my plan Kenneh?"

Kenny shook his head. "Nope. I don't want to know. And I don't care to know."

"I stole a bank," Cartman smugly replied.

Kenny laughed. Eric was never very good in English. Or any subject for that matter. "You stole the entire bank? Where'd you hide it? Up your fat ass?"

"Ay! I only stole part of it."

Kenny laughed again. This was good. Too good. "How? Did you cut it in half?"

Eric glared in what he would call a "menacing stare that would scare the shit out of any grown man." In actuality, it looked more like he needed to take a crap. Badly. And it only made Kenny laugh harder.

"But seriously, Cartman. Why here? Why Kyle's house?"

Cartman glanced around quickly. "Remember the other day when Kahl called me a fat piece of shit?"

Kenny nodded. He remembered. That was a great day. He hadn't died, Stan didn't act like a whiney bitch, and Kyle kicked Cartman's big ass. Yes, what a wonderful day that had been.

"Well," Cartman continued, "I'm just 'paying' him back."

"If this is one of your 'get-rich-quick' schemes, wouldn't it be easier just to take the money home?" Kenny asked.

Eric nodded. "Easier, yes. Funner, no." Kenny opened his mouth to tell him that 'funner' wasn't actually a word, but Cartman continued on. "The cops are on my trail, Kenny. So I'm hiding everything here. As they follow me here and start asking Jew boy questions, I'll pop in at just the right moment. I'll gasp and say, 'Kahl! Where did you get all this money!? Did you rob a bank, or something?' And that'll set the cops off so he'll be arrested. And then, they'll be like, 'Oh, Cartman! We thank you so much! How can we ever repay you?' And then I'll get the money back."

Kenny sighed. "Good luck with that," he replied sarcastically.

Cartman narrowed his eyes. "Why are _you_ here?" he asked, eying the video camera.

"I'm here to catch footage of Stan and Kyle in their true forms."

"Crab people!?"

"No idiot. Gays. I have this hunch that the two are together secretly. I just need the proof. Now, you have fun with your little plan, and let me go do mine." He paused. "Unless you want to come, too?"

"Hell yeah! One more thing to rip on the Daywalker for."

They headed up the staircase and stood outside Kyle's bedroom door. Kenny was just about to open it, when a conversation could be heard on the other side.

"Jesus Christ, Stan. Can you go a little faster?"

_Wow, impatient, Kyle. I've always wondered what Kyle was like during sex._

"I'm coming, I'm coming"

_Oh God. Stan's cumming?_

"So what do I do?" Stan asked.

"Just rub it a little."

Kenny listened as the two boys shuffled around.

"Harder Stan!"

A little more time passed.

"Mmm….fuck yes. Right there….Oh God! Fuck Stan! Fuck! It's all out!"

"No it's not…"

"Yes…fuck! Yes it is………Oh GOD….mmmm."

Kenny took this opportunity to open the door, video camera recording.

Kyle and Stan looked up from the bed, confusion written on both of their faces.

Cartman squealed. "I always knew you two were…oh…fuck, never mind." He frowned and walked down the stairs.

"Dammit. God fucking dammit. I even brought the camera." Kenny followed Cartman down the stairs.

Kyle looked over at his friend. "Dude, you suck at giving back massages."


End file.
